The power of pain
On the 8th of August 2021, I woke up to to some leg pain. I thought I had pulled a hamstring. 24 hours later, it was obvious it wasn’t my hamstring. Some panic googling later — it sounded like it was my sciatic nerve. I couldn’t sleep, I was in agony. It’s okay, I thought. The NHS website said ‘It usually gets better in 4 to 6 weeks but can last longer’. 4 to 6 weeks. I can do that. Soon, the leg pain disappeared, and what was left was relentlessless, 24/7 lower back pain from what I later learned was a disc bulge.
One year later (originally published in August 21), I was planning on writing about what I had learnt from 365 days of being in pain: the emotional sympathy and connection I had developed for others with chronic pain, the power and resolve it has given me to confront problems in life and the way in which I had managed to control pain rather than let pain control me. But as I trawl through my true emotions, my WhatsApp messages to my mum and think back to how I was on Wednesday morning after yet another night of 2–3 hours sleep, it would feel extremely disingenuous.
How I really feel is exhausted.
- Exhausted that there, in many cases, are no easy solutions to lower back pain. It is very poorly understood and researched. In fact, 8 in 10 of us will have back pain at some point in our lives, and if you do there is a 90% chance you will recover from it with no treatment in 3–4 months time. Only a small number of people develop chronic back pain, but for those that do, there is little help on offer. There are very few longitudional studies that show you what our prognosis is. This is partly due to the fact that solutions are very specific to the individual, unfortunately, there are not many services I can access that give me that person-centric approach that I need.
- Exhausted from a lack of sleep. I have been sleeping badly consistently for a year now, with some days better than others. I can now see the effects of it — I forget peoples names easily, I make mistakes at work and I feel more irritable.
- Exhausted by the fact that my 30-minute telephone call with a Pain Management Clinic is in May 2023. It shouldn’t be this hard.
- Finally, and obviously, I am exhausted from being in pain. Being in pain all day long is the worst thing I’ve ever been through. It affects my work, personal life, mental health. It’s extremely relentless too, with few positions able to provide relief.
Talking about it with friends and family does help, but it mostly takes up around 10% of the conversation of my life update (as it probably should for many reasons) but in reality it makes up around 80% of my experience of being alive right now and that mismatch feels like a big gulf between who I am on the outside and how I feel on the inside.
I’m continuing with the glass half full attitude when I can — my aim is to be better for our trip to New Zealand next year.
To all those suffering in pain silently (physical or mental), who get up in the morning with a smile on your face and go about your day and push yourself. You’re my heroes.
Have a good week,
Shiv
P.S. If you work at a desk for 8+ hours a day, do yourself a favour and buy a proper chair and/or standing desk. One day I’ll convince someone. It’s 100% worth it and it could save your back.